How can I leave room for the possibility of sex?

Imagine being open to saying maybe rather than taking an all or nothing or yes or no approach to sex. Be open to the possibility of responding to sexual stimulation, being adaptable and engaging in sexual experiences.

Research shows that women often make conscious decisions to engage in sex based on reasons often unrelated to sexual desire. Sex may be beneficial for a number of highly personal reasons such as validation, self-esteem, emotional connection, physical closeness or other motivations. This does not mean having sex out of obligation or when you don’t want to. What this may look like is asking for a massage or sending some dirty texts and keeping an openness for sexual intimacy.

What’s the difference between sex and intimacy?

It’s not a good idea to have sex when you don’t want to. Sometimes you may just want some closeness or intimacy without having to commit to sex, which may feel like too steep of a climb.

For example, imagine every time that you get hungry for a small snack, that you have to commit to eating a three-course meal. It is the same with sex. Sometimes we might just want some touch without having to commit the whole act. That is totally OK. Have the mindset that if sexual desire arises then great, but if not, we can just enjoy what we are doing. Without guilt.

Don’t force sex

Many people may also fall into the habit of having sex out of obligation, which may feel like a chore, or worse if you’ve had challenging sexual experiences in the past. Forcing yourself to engage in sex when you’re not necessarily in the mood, or dealing with low libido because of menopause, can create emotionally harmful and uncomfortable sex. While this may start with good intentions, such as pleasing a partner, the partner often also isn’t fully happy as they are aware that you are not fully enjoying the experience. You need to be engaging in sex for you.

Five ways to manage loss of libido during menopause

1. Rediscover what works for you…alone  

One aspect that may contribute to low libido in menopause is that you feel that the sex you are currently having simply isn’t worth it. If this sounds like you, remind yourself that you are not alone in feeling this way!

Your sexual wants and needs vary over time – so what may have felt good in the past may not be working for you now. Menopause can be a time for self-discovery when it comes to what turns you on right now. Take the time to explore your sexual self and what feels good. Revisit fantasies, try sex toys, read erotica, or give watching/listening to porn a try! There is great stuff out there created for (and by) women.

Your self-exploration is to understand your sexual accelerators and brakes, essentially what turns you on and off. It may help to ask yourself questions, such as:

• I love it/get turned on when…
• I get distracted/turned off when…

2. Include your partner

Once you start to discover your sexual self, consider bringing your partner on board. It can be daunting to talk about sex, but sharing is a great way to prioritise your sexual needs. You might consider completing Diana Sadat’s Yes/No/Maybe list, that outlines your sexual wants, interests, curiosities and boundaries.

3. Create foreplay outside of the bedroom 

Foreplay is vital for good sex, especially for building arousal and creating intimacy. While this may mean cuddling, kissing, outercourse and aftercare, it should also include non-physical acts. As psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “Foreplay begins the moment the last orgasm has subsided”. Ideas to promote foreplay outside of the bedroom and build anticipation could include sending sexy texts, eye-gazing, self-massage or wearing that underwear or outfit that makes you feel sensual. Whatever works for you!

4. Making time for intimacy 

Often in the midst of our busy lives, sex can become a bit of an afterthought. While it might not feel spontaneous or sexy to schedule a date and time for creating intimacy, this can open you up to the possibility of creating sexual desire – if it feels right! It also builds anticipation.

This doesn’t have to result in sex (whatever sex may mean for you), but you are leaving the door open to pleasure and connection.

5. Consider sex therapy 

Many psychological interventions have shown to be effective in improving sexual desire (you can read about it in the ‘Learn more’ section below). Sex therapy is an evidence-based approach that focuses on addressing beliefs, attitudes, anxieties, and the context surrounding sex and sexuality. Some approaches to improving sexual desire may include cognitive behavioural therapy, mindfulness, sensate focus and communication exercises (among many others).

Final word on menopause and libido

We are often told that sex is only good sex if it is spontaneous. However, most women experience responsive desire which needs to be cultivated. Think about whether you really do have low desire or if perhaps you are just more responsive with your desire?

This doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, with your partner, or with your relationship. It simply needs to be addressed. Try finding time to rediscover your sexual self as you’re dealing with your menopause and libido, and create intimacy with a partner while still leaving room for the possibility of sex.